Not Waving, But Drowing*

     *Thank you, Sylvia Plath!

     Living life as the unpaid family caregiver of two ailing parents is like having my head held under water. When those very rare releases of pressure come along, my head bobs to the surface for that gasping gulp of air that is not enough, never enough oxygen, but just enough to survive a little longer when, all too soon, my head is shoved under again.

     One night to catch up on sleep after weeks of sleep-deprivation. One day to catch up with my own life after weeks of self-neglect. Trying to earn a living in between. It is never enough. None of it is ever enough.

     Chest pain, heart arrhythmia, blinding headaches, blurred vision, brain fog.

     And then rescue, relief. For an evening, a morning, a day.

     And back to the trenches.

     Don’t get me wrong: it’s not all irksome. These are my parents, after all, and I love them. There are tender moments, humorous moments, healing moments, sharing of precious memories. Were this not so, the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual expenditure would leave me bankrupt.

     I’ve decided to blog it all: the exhaustion, the frustration, the humor, the tenderness. My creative writing blog has moved to another location, at https://www.avrilvandermerwe-create.com/create-blog. But this spot is now reserved for writing about family caregiving. Why? Because maybe, just maybe, it might help someone else out there.

     Oh indeed, there are online caregiving communities, and local support groups for caregivers. But so far, I haven’t had time to access any of these. Perhaps there are others like me who experience the same challenge.

     A blog, on the other hand, can be written (and read) sitting in a doctor’s waiting room with a loved one, or during the sleepless minutes after a 2 a.m. call for help, or while keeping vigil at a bedside.

     Perhaps in this way you and I may find that we are not drowning but waving after all. Waving at one another to say, “I’m under water too. But we’re not drowning, you and I. We’re developing the lung capacity to dive into deeper waters than many will ever know.”